3 Ways Teenage Punishment Doesn’t Work the Way You Think

So your teen screwed up and you’re looking for a suitable and effective punishment to make sure they never do it again huh? 

Well, we’ve got news for you, what you’re looking for doesn’t exist. A multitude of studies over the last 20+ years have shown us how traditional ways of parenting with punishment just don’t work. 

But that’s ok because your goal here is really for your teen to be successful, to grow, and to thrive. You love them and the reason you’re looking for a punishment is because they did something that you believe is unacceptable behavior. You want to make sure they don’t engage in that behavior again because it makes you angry, ashamed, or worried on their behalf. What you really want, is to make sure that they’re on the right track. 

In this article, we’ll break down 3 reasons why traditional thinking around punishment is ineffective and then talk about what you can do instead that really works.

So, 3 reasons why Teenage Punishments are ineffective according to science:

#1: Teenagers aren’t programmed to respond to punishment. 

This one really gets into the neuroscience of how the teenage brain works. If you’ve taken our course on Motivation, Habits, & Risk-Taking the following will sound very familiar.

Basically, when making decisions the teenage brain isn’t designed to take potential negative consequences into consideration.

What does that mean? 

Teenagers have an intrinsic drive to explore, expand, and try new things. They’ve got all this neurocircuitry compelling them to seek rewards by getting out and DOing things. They’re driven by the potential rewards they can get, not by potential negative consequences. They understand consequences exist, but they’re much more willing to risk it. 

Let’s look at a specific scenario. Let’s say your teenager lied to you about what they did over the weekend and you decide to ground them for punishment. The idea behind the punishment is, ‘they’re less likely to lie to me again because they don’t want to get grounded’.

However, this idea takes for granted that your teens’ objective is to avoid future punishment. From a neuroscience perspective, this simply isn’t how teens work. Teens do what they want. 

If doing what they want involves lying to you, then they’ll do it again. The prospect of punishment simply isn’t a deterrent. 

Multiple studies have shown that threats, punishments, and ‘scare tactics’ don’t have the desired effect on teenage behavior*. In other words, there’s no punishment out there that will get your teen to stop doing that thing you don’t like. 

If we want our teens to change what they’re doing, we need to start thinking about it differently.

#2: Teenagers resist being controlled

Punishment is really about control.

When your teen acts out or does something that makes you wish they were someone else’s kid, the natural reaction is to say to yourself ‘I need to get a handle on this behavior’. 

Unfortunately, being the parent of a teenager means feeling like you’re losing them sometimes, maybe a lot of the time.

Wouldn’t it be great if they would just do what you say!?! 

So you create punishment structures and enforce them as a way of saying to your teen ‘Do things my way or else!’. 

The issue with this, again, is that by trying to control teens through punishment we’re once again fighting against their biology.

The developmental goal of the teen years is independence. The whole point of being a teenager is that it’s a training ground for adulthood. They’re starting to learn to make their own decisions, set their own rules, and command their own time. They’ll naturally resist any attempts to override their ability to do so. 

On a fundamental, biological level, they resist being controlled. 

#3: Punishment doesn’t create a way forward

Punishment is past-based. It says ‘I’m punishing you because of this thing you did’. Ok, so what? It happened already and no amount of punishment is going to change that.

If the goal is to teach a lesson, to create a better path forward, then punishment doesn’t fulfill that goal. All it does is imply a future threat. As we mentioned above in point #1, that’s not an effective strategy for working with teens.

Teens are developing, they’re all about the future. If we want to affect their behavior, we can’t be focused on the past. 

Well, we’re glad you asked.  

While we can’t speak to your specific situation, we can offer some tips about how to approach your teen when they do something you consider a ‘punishable offense’. 

Let’s use the above example about lying. Let’s say that your teen lied to you about what they were doing over the weekend, what would be an effective way to address it and make sure they don’t do it again?

Tip #1: Be open and authentic in your communication

If your teen crosses a line with you, be open and honest about what the impact on you is. 

Communicate exactly why you feel like their behavior was unacceptable, how it goes against your values, and why you think the behavior was problematic. 

Be honest and open about your emotions around it as well “What you did made me feel _____”. 

Ask them how they feel about their behavior. “How do you feel about lying to me?”. Get them involved in the conversation and validate their feelings around it as well. 

Teens don’t respond well to ‘Because I said so!’. Let them know that you’re coming from a place of logic, reason, and concern for their well-being.

Tip #2: Keep the conversation focused on the future

Don’t harp on what it was that they did. Focus on the future impact. If they lied to you then the concern can’t be around what happened, it has to be on what the impact will be if they continue to lie. What will that do to your relationship? What will it do to them? 

Your concern is to prevent it from happening again right? So make that the focus of the conversation.

Tip #3: If you must include ‘punishment’ make it a way for them to make amends.

If you still want to include ‘consequences’ or ‘disciplinary measures’ make sure that they’re framed in a positive light. It’s not about punishing them for something they’ve done, it’s a way for them to earn their way back.

Positive paths are always more effective and motivating than negative ones. 

Tip #4: Ask them what they think the solution should be

Seriously. As mentioned above, teens have a huge internal drive to explore and exert independence. If you think that their behavior was unacceptable and can’t be allowed going forward then engaging them in a solution is going to be one of the best ways to find a solution that will actually work.

If you want to include a way for them to make amends (see Tip #3), ask them what they think is fair.

That doesn’t mean that you ultimately need to go with what they say (or even that they’ll give you a serious answer at first) but if you engage them in the process, they’ll be much more likely to stick to whatever you decide. 

For the record, if they don’t engage with you seriously at first, keep asking them questions. Open-ended questions are your friends. They give you insight into the way your teen is thinking and help you enroll your teen into a productive and creative mindset.

At the end of the day, our teens are going to do what they do. Our role as adults in their lives is to guide them onto the most helpful and productive pathways and to give them the tools they need to make hard decisions in the moment.

It’s easy to fall into the trap of wanting to control what teens do but not only is that impossible, it goes against the goal of helping them become healthy and independent adults. 

By following the above (especially Tip #4), we can confront challenging behavior in a way that’s more effective, healthier, and allows our teen to be part of the solution instead of part of the problem. 

The traditional way of thinking about punishment is kind of like the easy way out. It’s easy to do but doesn’t provide the kind of long-term benefit that is our goal as parents. 

By following the guidelines laid out above, you’ll be doing a lot more to ensure that your teen is on the right track.