5 Ways to More Effectively Model Behavior for your Teens

In brief, there are lots of different ways we, as humans, learn how to behave. Sometimes we get explicit instructions such as ‘Please don’t put your elbows on the table’, or ‘You need to wear a shirt when you’re in a restaurant” but a lot of the time there’s no manual.

Modeling is another way that behavior is learned. When a person watches a behavior and then copies it, they are modeling that behavior. This is also referred to as observational learning or social learning. 

Most of the time when we think of modeling behavior we think of small children, but this method of learning is one that continues through adulthood and is still very important during the teen years. 

Let’s look at some specific examples: 

Teens are TWICE as likely to smoke cigarettes if their parents smoke - University of Washington Study

Teens are more than TWICE as likely to have a future car accident if their parents exhibit poor driving behaviors - Travelers Study

Teens with aggressive parents are more likely to behave aggressively towards their peers - Journal of Clinical Child and Adolescent Psychology

And so on and so on.

But don’t be scared! The key takeaway here is that you have more influence over your teen than you thought. This can be used in many positive ways. 

While the focus in adolescence switches from viewing parents as the primary role models to viewing peers as primary role models, there are still a number of behaviors modeled in the home that teens have no outside reference for. 

Eating habits are a great example. As teens grow older and start to eat more meals outside and away from their family, a majority of their eating habits are now being modeled outside the home by peers. However, other teenagers do not model a complete picture of what diet looks like.

Your teen is unlikely to participate in many home-cooked meals outside of family meals. Also, they are less-likely to be exposed to a lot of fruits and vegetables. 

A survey of 550 families by the European Food Information Council, found that parental consumption of fruits and veggies was still the largest indicator of how often teens ate those same foods.

In other words, parents are still the leading role-models for teens’ fruit and vegetable intake.

This is the case when it comes to a lot of healthy behaviors. 

If you read our article on Mirror Neurons you’ll know that modeling behavior for your teenager can literally affect their brain on a structural level. 

And here’s the catch, you’re ALWAYS modeling behavior for your teen, whether you’re consciously focused on it or not.

So with your teenager’s brain at stake, here are 5 things you can do to be a better, and more effective, role model: 

1. Do As You Say

The first step towards encouraging positive behaviors in your teen, is to exhibit positive behaviors yourself. 

This is easier said than done of course, but there’s no need to be perfect (see point #5). The main point here is to avoid the hypocrisy of telling your teen they should do things one way, and then doing something else yourself. 

Teens are experts at sniffing out bullsh*t and do not take kindly to being condescended to (as a general rule).

Teens react very positively to honesty and integrity and very negatively towards hypocrisy. 

A key character trait of teenagers is that they’re very idealistic.

If you tell your teen that they should be kind to others, and then back that up by treating those around you with kindness and respect, you will automatically become a more attractive role-model to your teen. 

Alternatively, if you tell your teen that they need to spend less time on screens, but you’re constantly checking your phone when you’re around them, they’ll smell a rat.

Also, if you’re pulling the “Do as I say not as I do” card, it’s possible that your teen will lose respect for your suggestions in general (see point #4). By setting a poor example in one area, you’ll be a less effective role model for your teens in other areas.

2. Be very mindful of your own behavior

It’s very possible to appear inauthentic to your teen and not even know it. For example, you might not consider that checking your phone all the time around your teen will make you appear hypocritical when you tell them they need to manage their screen time better. 

We all fall into this trap at some point.

A lot of the behaviors parents model for their kids are automatic behaviors. These are actions that are performed without thinking, or a lot of conscious consideration (like driving over the speed limit when you’re late to something). 

The solution is simple, but not easy.

Be more mindful, in general, of the example you’re setting for your teens. 

Some broad categories of behaviors to be mindful about are:

• How you handle stress and frustration
• How you drive
• How often you’re distracted by your phone, TV, or computer
• How you treat other people
• How you express anger
• How you treat cigarettes, drugs, and alcohol
• How you take care of yourself (diet, sleep, exercise, social activity, etc . . .)

And if you DO catch yourself being hypocritical about something like screen time, no biggie! Just own up to it and follow the steps laid out in point #5. 

3. Focus on what positive behaviors you want to model for your teen(s)

Since you’re still your teen’s leading role model in the home, what do you want them taking away from their time with you?

There are tangible behaviors like:

• What you eat
• Your screen habits
• Cigarette and alcohol consumption
• How you speak to and treat your friends and family
• How you take care of yourself and your space
• How you talk about other people when they’re not around

But there are also less tangible things to model such as:

• Having a strong work-ethic
• Being open to new learning and new ideas
• Standing up for your beliefs
• Be kind and considerate to others
  • Treating retail and service employees well and with respect
• Have generosity of spirit

Taking some time to consider what kind of person you want your teen to grow up to be, can help illuminate how to model some of these behaviors for them. 

4. Focus on building a strong relationship with your teens

The more your teens look up to you and respect you, the more likely they are to model their behavior after yours. 

Make sure to: 

• Provide unconditional love, care, and a safe environment

• Find ways to have fun with them, be curious about their interests, and bond over shared interests

• Listen to them when they come to you with an upset (without judgement or trying to ‘fix’ them)

And, this is a big one

• Give them space to explore their independence and be different from you

That means giving up ground, when appropriate, and allowing your teens to take responsibility for themselves.

One of the fastest ways to lose face with your teens is to treat them like children and try to micromanage them. 

If you’re focused on modeling healthy screen habits, for example, your kids will be less inclined to view you as a role model if you’re constantly micromanaging their screen time. If you want them to view you as a role model, that has to be their choice, not something they’re forced into. 

Respect becomes much more of a two-way street when your kids become teenagers. If you want them to respect you, it’s important that they feel respected by you. 

5. Treat mistakes and missteps as opportunities

We all make mistakes, it’s part of being human. How we deal with those mistakes is where the juice is. 

Let’s say you make a mistake with your teen. You’re upset about being late to an appointment so you speed and drive recklessly with them in the car.

Here are a set of steps that model a healthy way of reacting when you mess up or have an error in judgement:

1. Acknowledge the mistake that was made “I was speeding and driving recklessly with you in the car earlier” 
2. State what you should have done differently “I have a commitment, especially with loved ones in the car, to drive safely and carefully”
3. Acknowledge the impact of the mistake “I could have gotten both of us hurt and/or hurt someone else. Also, I set a bad example for you since you’ll be learning to drive soon (or are already)”
4. State what you’ll do in the future to avoid the same mistake “In the future, even if I’m late and frustrated, I’ll make sure to drive safely and carefully. Also, if you see me breaking my word on that, please call me out on it.”

If your teen makes a mistake, make sure to let them know that mistakes are inevitable, nobody’s perfect, and encourage them to see their mistakes as opportunities for learning. 

Then, lead them through the 4 steps outlined above.

When it comes to mistakes it’s always best to model both forgiveness, and responsibility.

Like very young children, teenager’s brains are going through a period of massive development. 

Teens are in the process of learning who they are as an individual. They’re navigating all new kinds of relationships and situations all while dealing with a massive identity crisis (For more on this check out our article on why teenagers are so socially awkward). 

They want and need guidance during this time of their life. 

As their parent, you can lead by example and maintain your status as one of their primary role models.

Remember, you’re ALWAYS modeling behavior for your teen, whether you mean to or not.