Nervous About Teens Drinking? Learn How to Healthily Manage Teen Partying

Teens party. From the streets of New York to the villages of Siberia, it’s an inevitable fact of life that teens will get out of the house and party down with their peers.

It’s also very common for teens to consume alcohol when they party. A 2019 study by the National Institute on Alcohol Abuse and Alcoholism (NIAAA for short) found that 7.0 million young people ages 12 to 20 reported that they drank alcohol beyond “just a few sips” in the past month.

This presents a bit of a conundrum to parents and other adults in teens’ lives. How do we approach handling a behavior of our teen’s that is both unavoidable, risky, and possibly illegal (if they’re engaging in underage drinking)? 

Setting aside the legal issue, this post will cover the following:

• Why is partying an inevitable part of teens’ lives?
• Why is drinking such an important part of teen partying? 
• 5 healthy approaches to take, regarding your teen’s partying

Let’s dive in:

Why is partying an inevitable part of teens’ lives?

The short answer to this question is, because of what’s going on in their brain.

The reward systems in the adolescent brain are turned up to 11. They’re hard-wired to seek out novelty, new experiences, new and extreme sensations, and especially social situations. 

Without getting too much into the neurological weeds, it’s enough to say that teens are biologically driven to seek out exciting, new, social situations. 

Partying fosters a space for learning how to make social connections and for having new experiences as well as a way to differentiate “normal life” (i.e. school, chores, homework, extracurriculars). In other words, partying is the nexus where all teenage biological impulses meet. 

This is true across countries, climates, and cultures. 

Ok so, partying is inevitable, but why is drinking such an important part of teen partying?

There are a couple of interesting ideas about this from studies done by the NIAAA, so we figured we’d share them: 

1. Teens view drinking as a communal activity:
A study of Dutch teens found that many adolescents view drinking at parties as a sort of social contract. According to teens that were interviewed, by drinking together and offering each other drinks, teens are showing each other that they are “committed to the party and appreciate the company of friends”. In this case, drinking is a way of communicating to everyone else at the party that they’re happy to be there and they’re enjoying the company of the people around them. 

2. Teens are copying the behavior they see in adults
Teens have grown up watching adults around them open bottles of champagne to celebrate something or drinking with friends when they come over. Thus, many teens see drinking as something you do to socialize and connect with other people. Drinking is also often modeled by parents as a way to separate work and leisure time (ex. having a drink after work or with dinner). There’s a built-in understanding, by the time teenagers are of the age to go out and party, that drinking is something you do with your leisure time and something you do with friends. Therefore it’s only logical that drinking and partying should go together. 

To be clear, we’re not encouraging or endorsing underage drinking, nor are we saying that you as an adult are to blame for drinking around them. We’re merely stating that drinking is a major part of the teen partying experience and offering a couple of possible explanations as to why. 

If you’re interested in learning more about the psychology of teen drinking, as well as successful programs that have helped prevent/reduce underage drinking, we recommend this article from the NIAAA.

So, teen partying is inevitable and teen drinking is a distinct possibility. What can we do?

1. Accept that your teens will be interested in partying

Your teens will be interested in partying, it’s in their nature. The first step towards being able to help your teens navigate partying in a healthy way is to accept that, whether you like it or not, and whether you know about it or not, they will be going to parties. 

Wouldn’t you rather know what your teens are up to?

2. Avoid a zero tolerance policy towards partying

Teens are natural rule-breakers and risk-takers. When you tell your teen that they are forbidden from partying, all you are doing is making the ‘party’ that much more alluring and attractive. 

Again, your teens are going to be interested in partying. It’s better to accept that they will party and work to be a positive influence over HOW they party. 

For example, you can encourage your teen not to engage in certain aspects of partying, like drinking or trying different drugs.

Even in these conversations, however, it’s better not to take a zero tolerance stance. You don’t want to be so strict with your rules that if your teen breaks them and gets into trouble, they won’t see you as a safe person to come to for help (see point #3). 

Besides, it’s unlikely that your teen will abstain from drinking ‘because you say so’. 

A majority of teens interviewed for an article by The Globe and Mail stated that “while their parents' views might curb how much they drink, laying down the law wouldn't change their decision to drink or not.”

So when encouraging your teen not to engage in drinking or drug use, it’s best to explain why and how drinking and drug use is harmful to their bodies and brain development. Tell them your reasons for not wanting them to drink, instead of just telling them that they’re not allowed to. 

This goes back to a core tenet of the TBT program; it’s important for teens to understand their own development because that knowledge empowers them to make healthier decisions.

3. Make sure your teen knows they can come to you for help no matter what

This point is one of the main reasons why points 1 & 2 are so important. 

If your teen IS in trouble at a party (ex. they’re drunk w/ no way home), you want them to know they can come to you for help. The last thing you want is for them to try to drive home, or hitch a ride with a friend who’s been drinking, because they’re afraid of how you’ll react when you find out they’ve been out partying.

4. Be frank with them about the risks they might encounter at parties and what to do if something goes wrong (ex. their friend has been drinking but thinks they’re ok to drive)

It’s important that your teen has access to accurate information about drinking/trying drugs so they can make informed, thoughtful choices. 

You won’t be there, in the moment, to make decisions for them. You want them to have the tools they need to get help/help themselves if they find themselves in a dangerous situation.

5. Create a set of rules for partying that allow your teen to participate while at the same time creating safe boundaries

Some rules to consider are: 

• They don’t drive to or from parties. Instead they agree to only use public transportation, Uber, or other ride-sharing apps (a perk of Uber is they let you track the ride in real time)
• Have your teen agree to text you when they arrive and when they leave a party
• Send your teen to the party with drinks that they’re allowed to have
• This may seem counterintuitive if you don’t want them to drink. But it has the benefit of both setting a limit of how much they have to drink while also making sure they won’t be accepting mystery drinks from their peers

It’s very healthy and helpful to engage the teens themselves in setting their own rules.

Teens are going to be interested in partying, it’s in their nature. 

As parents, teachers, and role-models, the most important things we can do are to stay involved in what our teens are doing, let them know that we’re safe people they can come to if they need help, and make sure they have the tools and resources they need in order to make healthy and informed decisions in the moment.

If you’d like to learn more about teenage risk-taking, we cover this topic in depth in our course; Tools for Parenting Teenagers: Motivation, Habits, and Risk-Taking in the Developing Brain.