Adolescents respond: What positive behavior have you learned from your parents’ example?

“Monkey see, monkey do.” While this phrase may have negative connotations, it does hold truth whether we like having our intelligence attacked or not. When you observe a role model do something a certain way, it’s only natural to want to mirror that behavior. After all, we do have brain cells called mirror neurons, which are active both when doing a specific action as well as when watching someone else do that same action.

 It should come as no surprise that as a role model to your kid(s), you have the ability to influence their behavior by setting an example. For instance, a 1991 study found that a child of two active parents was 5.8 times more likely to be active than a child of two inactive parents. The authors of this particular study identified role modeling as one possible reason why kids of active parents are more active. 

As a role model, the influence you have on your kids can be good, bad or neither, but the important thing is that it’s not just what you tell your kids that matters. If you want your kid to act in a particular manner, making sure your own behavior matches those expectations goes a long way toward achieving that goal. It also takes a commitment to consistency on your part. For example, if you want your teen to stop texting and driving, if you were to still occasionally text and drive in front of them, that wouldn’t send a clear message that they need to shake that habit.

“But are my teens really learning from my example?”, you may be asking yourself, “They seem so resistant sometimes.” Yes it’s true, I, and many other adolescents like me, often resist and push back at my parents’ teachings. That being said, I’m very aware that many or even most of my good habits were picked up from following my parents’ examples. 

So in the interest of positive reinforcement, I thought I’d write this post to you, the parents, to let you know that your efforts to instill positive behaviors in your kids are not in vain. I also asked three of my friends to contribute and share a positive behavior that they picked up from their parents.

1) Healthy Sleeping Habits:

This first anecdote is one from my own life---a life that is replete with sleep. When I was a young child, as is standard at that stage of life, I had a bedtime. I have no doubt that almost all parents would agree that a bedtime for young kids is a no-brainer; it’s important that they get enough sleep, and they’re not going to initiate going to bed early on their own. Research has shown that a consistent bedtime routine can improve infant and toddler sleep in multiple ways, in addition to boosting maternal mood.

Yet, over the years children outgrow having a strict bedtime, and many teens wind up staying up late and getting significantly less sleep than the recommended amount. 

I have always gotten relatively more sleep than my friends. While I consider that a good thing, I’ve been called “lame” and “like an old man” for going to bed early (so I guess it all evens out). Regardless of the social ramifications, I am glad to have established healthy sleeping habits early on in adolescence. To me, the idea of getting less than adequate sleep has always seemed absurd---and for that mindset I can thank my parents.

If they had demonstrated to me that it’s okay to watch TV until 2 am every night, I have a feeling I’d be writing about some other topic in this post. But since I’ve only ever been exposed to their healthy sleeping habits, I’ve taken it as a given that I should follow in their footsteps in that regard. Call me lame if you want, but I’m proud to choose to snooze, even if it means I lose out on some late-night festivities.

SIDEBAR: I’m not alone in this. One of my friends I asked to contribute to this post also responded that going to bed at a reasonable hour is a good behavior he took from his parents. In his words, “Since my parents (especially my mom) always went to bed so early, I never really felt the need to stay up extremely late. Don't get me wrong, I can stay up until 3 am but what is the point? I'd rather have a full night's rest than stay up for an extra few hours.”

2)  Showing Courtesy:

Whether it’s saying “please” and “thank you” frequently in front of your kid from a young age, holding doors for strangers, being polite to waiters, or any other display of well-mannered behavior that your kid witnesses, being courteous can rub off on them. One of my friends reflected, “It makes me proud to carry out these behaviors that they instilled in me. I know that they respect people, so for me to act in respectful ways makes me feel like a good son.”

To this twenty-year-old, behaving in a way that his parents demonstrated allows him to feel pride in living up to his parents’ expectations. If his parents had instead behaved in a discourteous way throughout his life, the motivation to behave in a well-mannered way to make his parents proud would probably not exist. 

It’s worth considering the “do as I say, not as I do” attitude in this context. Might this adolescent still have developed a courteous personality if his parents had acted discourteous themselves but verbally instructed him to be polite? According to research conducted in 2008, probably not. This study examined children’s current and intended future safety habits in the context of their parents’ own habits and what they taught their kids to do. The researchers found that parents’ practices were most reliable in suggesting how children planned to behave as adults. If this principle can be applied to manners, not just safety practices, telling your kid to “do as I say, not as I do” may not be worth much.

3) Helping Strangers in Need:

Similar to the previous anecdote of courteousness, this next example concerns showing care toward others---in this case, in their time of need. This adolescent shared that his father “literally always helps someone who he sees needs it, whether it’s dragging someone out of a car wreck or helping someone with an injury.” Imagine the impression it left on this adolescent to be driving on a Miami highway bridge with his father, only to see a car flip over in front of him and a split second later his father bolt into action to rescue the driver of that car (true story). 

It’s one thing to teach your kid the Golden Rule to treat others the way you want to be treated, but showing them exactly what it looks like to step in and help others is precisely what it means to teach by your own example. This adolescent explained, “Growing up, my dad was always the gold standard for how to treat others. No matter the person he interacts with, he always shows them respect and compassion. Being a good person in today’s world is increasingly difficult due to the lack of good role models, but having my father as a person I can look up to has, in my opinion, shaped who I am as a person.”

The sentiment this adolescent expressed, that he feels there aren’t many good role models out there for him to look up to, only emphasizes the importance of his father setting a good example. 

Final Thoughts:

I hope these examples have provided a sense of the long-lasting impact your behavior can have as a role model to your teens. You have a great opportunity as a parent to impact who your teen becomes through your own actions. It can be as simple as going to bed early or as heroic as rescuing a stranger from a car wreck. 

No matter the behavior, it’s important to remember that consistency is key. If our parents only went to bed early half the time, perhaps my friend and I wouldn’t have learned good sleep habits. Your behavior matters in the eyes of your kids. If you’re consistent, your kids will learn consistency, if you’re inconsistent they’ll learn that instead. 

One final thing I’ll mention is that I believe positive reinforcement had a role in forming my sleeping habits. I can recall being greeted by my parents many mornings after going to bed early and getting a refreshingly long night’s rest. They’d say things like, “Wow, you really needed that!” and express generally positive attitudes toward the decision to get some extra sleep. This validation that getting enough sleep is something to be celebrated definitely contributed to solidifying healthy sleeping habits as part of my life.

Without sounding too corny, a famous proverb just about sums it up: “With great power comes great responsibility.” While it may sound daunting, you have a lot of power as a parent---if you use it properly, you never know what long-lasting positive effect you can have on your teen’s behavior.