Talking to Your Teen About Their Drug Use: Strategies for Open Communication

This conversation is from our Free Guide: 7 Conversations About Substance Use to Have With Your Teen (And When to Have Them) 

So you’ve discovered that your teenager is experimenting with drugs (or alcohol). You’re probably feeling a range of emotions, from shock and disappointment to fear and even anger. As a parent, you want what's best for your teen, and the idea of them engaging in risky behavior can be downright terrifying. Even so, it’s vital to approach the situation with empathy and understanding. That doesn’t mean we’re endorsing their behavior, but the best way to make sure our teens stay safe is to ensure that they feel like we’re safe people for them to talk to.  

The conversation outlined below is not a one-and-done conversation. Once we know our teens are drinking, smoking, or using other substances, we want to regularly check in with them about their substance use. Not only do we want to encourage them to reflect on, and think critically about, their substance use, we also want to ensure that they’re not putting themselves at risk or developing a substance use disorder. NOTE: If you’re worried your teen is at risk visit this page from SAMHSA for additional guidance and call their helpline. 

The sample conversation below outlines how to approach ongoing conversations about substance use with your teen with compassion and respect. By doing so, you can create an environment in which your teenager feels comfortable discussing their experiences and seeking guidance from you as their parent. It's a chance to support your teenager and help them make healthy and informed decisions.

When to have this conversation

(Ongoing) After you’ve found out they’re drinking, smoking, or using drugs

Why have this conversation

Ultimately, we don’t have complete control over our kids' behavior and we can’t make their decisions for them. It’s crucially important, therefore, that we give them opportunities to reflect on and think critically about, why they’re drinking or using drugs, and what alternatives are available to them.

Goals for this conversation 

We should not try or expect to get all the information we want or change their minds in a single conversation. Our goals for this ongoing series of conversations should be to assess:

• What their drinking or drug-using habits are
• If they need additional care or support (including professional support)
• What kinds of risks they’re taking and if they’re adhering to their safety plan 

We also want to: 

• Keep the lines of communication with our teen open
• Encourage our teen to reflect on, and think critically about, why they’re drinking or using drugs
• Make it clear and explicit that we don’t condone their drinking or drug use and that we are concerned about what their continued use is doing to their developing brain and body

How to start this conversation

Substance use is an uncomfortable subject to talk about so it can be hard to bring it up. That’s why, during each of these conversations, we recommend making it clear that this is something we’ll be checking in with our teens about on an ongoing basis. However, there are a couple of tactics that can make this conversation easier to start: 

1. Acknowledge that it’s awkward. Say something like, ‘I know you don’t like talking about this with your mom (or dad), it makes me uncomfortable too. But I need to make sure that you’re being safe.’ 

Look for 3rd party examples you can use to start the conversation. It’s possible that there may be real life 3rd party examples, but you can also look for examples in media. Check out this article to see our recommendations for how to do this when talking about consent with our teens (a similarly uncomfortable topic).

Questions you may ask during the conversation

• What do you think it does for you?
• How do you feel while you’re using it?
• How come you think that other people use it?
• When are times when you feel like you want to use it?
• What do you think it would feel like to stop?

Ultimately, keeping the conversation going is key. Punishment and blame are counter productive. Our goal is to create a supportive environment where our teen feels safe to talk and ask for guidance. While the potential risks are many, if our teens know they always have a safe person to talk to, we can help support them in making healthier decisions. 

Read More: Teens who are taught harm reduction techniques are less likely to overdose or suffer other adverse effects from drug use.

by Robin Friend Stift - Co-Creator & Lead Course Designer for Teen Brain Trust