The Unexpected Benefits of Getting My Teen to Cook With Me

All of our teens’ free time seems to be occupied by video games, social media, or other forms of screen time. While we're always on the lookout for ways to connect further with them and get their daily download (how was their day, what did they do, what's going on, etc ...), it might not always feel like they want to share. 

Sometimes they do and sometimes they don't, but what I’ve learned from personal experience is that they're always more likely to open up when there's some sort of activity going on. 

For example, when my kids were younger and I'd be baking, they'd always hang around the kitchen with me, waiting to lick the spoon. I noticed that while they waited on those delicious spoons of cookie batter, they were happy to chat and allow me to ask any of my questions. I think not feeling obliged to talk, or to be there, made a big difference in freeing them up and making them more talkative. They could bounce in or out as they pleased and choose when to engage and which of my questions to engage with. 

Sure they were already waiting and wanted to fill the time, but another reason I later recognized was that in these times the conversation wasn’t the focus. I wasn't eye to eye with them, 'grilling' them with questions. That made it easier for them to talk to me.

Some parents get this time when they're driving in the car, but as a New Yorker, I don't spend a lot of time driving. This window became our shared time in the kitchen.

A lot has changed in the years since they were kids waiting to lick the spoon. I’m now divorced and my other two boys are at college, so it's just me and my youngest son at home. Cooking for just two people was an adjustment and at the end of last year and I found myself cooking less and less frequently. Because of that, I started worrying that my son wasn’t eating enough healthy meals. I also wanted to give him more of a say in what he wanted to eat now that he was 16 (and now that there were fewer cooks in the kitchen) instead of just deciding everything for him. 

My other boys never learned the basics of cooking during high school as I always cooked for them. They both ended up needing a couple of cooking lessons before they went off to college. I decided that I wanted to get a headstart on that with my youngest so he would be better prepared. ‘Why not have him be involved in the 'what should we eat process?', I thought. I wanted him to start engaging in choosing what he actually felt like eating instead of me taking the lead. I also wanted us to find an activity that would allow us to spend more time together. With these two things in mind, I decided a good first step would be convincing him to cook with me a couple of nights a week.

The plan was sound and I was ready to get the ball rolling. That’s when I figured out that the most important step in it all was actually getting my son on board with this joint-kitchen-experiment-fiasco. 

How I Started The Conversation

My first move was mentioning, “I have no clue what you feel like eating most of the time. We’ve been ordering in a lot and what we’ve been eating isn’t great. Maybe what I want isn’t what you want, so why don’t we start thinking things up together?”. 

“Sure mom” was his immediate reply. “I mean,” I reiterated, “I want to try cooking together a couple of nights a week.” I shared my feelings about his brothers not learning to cook early enough and emphasized that he’d be able to pick and choose the meals we prepared. He thought on it for a while and came back with a hesitant but curious “We could try it”. Note to parents: I think letting him pick what we cook has been a HUGE part of this working out. 

After that, I asked “If we are to cook together, how many nights might you want us to?”. This was very much a back-and-forth, I did my best to make sure it wasn’t just me driving the conversation. We wound up agreeing that we’d work together to make dinner on Mondays and Tuesdays. Another tip: It’s important that we decided on specific days. The more granular and specific we are in this conversation, the more leverage we’ll have on getting them to follow through; especially if they are involved in picking the days. 

So, starting a few months ago, we started cooking together most Mondays and Tuesdays.  

One other thing I think that has made this a success is making sure I have all the ingredients we need at the house so no one has to go shopping on the day. Sometime on Sunday I’ll text him asking him what he wants to eat that week so I can have groceries ready. More often than not he has his favorites so that makes it easier (since we have a lot of stuff at home already). 

Making it Easy for Teens to Participate

If you’re looking for ways to sweeten the pot for your teen and get them on board, try some of these perks:

• Let them play whatever music they want while you’re cooking (perfect way to get an idea of what they’re into as well)
• Offer to do all the cleanup afterward 
• Tell them, “If you cook with me for half an hour, I’ll leave you alone for the rest of the night”
• Negotiate a trade (if you do this with me you can do this other activity you want to do, etc …)

However, getting them to agree to try it out is just the beginning. 

Our first few weeks of cooking on Mondays and Tuesdays my son would complain and try to get out of it. If you try this with your teen I imagine you can expect similar resistance. That’s completely normal and is to be expected whenever we introduce anything new into our teen’s schedule. It’s important to know that if you try this with them, you have to leave room for some healthy complaining and pushing back. It’s worth noting that the resistance and complaining has definitely decreased over time as it’s become more of a habit. 

In my specific case, my son would mostly just talk about how he was tired at the end of his school day. “I’m really tired, do we have to cook tonight?”.

I would reply by saying “I know you’re tired but we both have to eat and we’re not going to order in so yeah… We have to cook”. After 5 minutes or so he would capitulate and come to the kitchen. It’s never been a big deal or a power struggle (or at least it hasn’t yet).

When he complains about being tired I simply suggest, “Well, why don’t you just read me the recipe?”. Usually, he sits down to read the recipe and then gets bored. That’s the point where he says something like “Why don’t I chop the onion?”, or “I can stir”. Once he gets started, he usually stays engaged and helps out with other things, too. 

One of the reasons I think this has gone so well for both of us is I’m not trying to strong-arm him into cooking. I’m making it easy for him to be in the kitchen while cooking is going on. Inevitably he’ll want to get involved somehow. He doesn't always participate fully, which is totally fine, sometimes he just hangs with me in the kitchen. That being said, he’s gotten to the point where he’s discovered that he actually likes cooking and feels proud of the dishes we cook together. He feels a sense of accomplishment which is critical for motivation. We even had a breakthrough a little over a month of doing this where he wanted to cook an extra day!

The Benefits

All in all, we’ve been cooking 2 days a week together for the better part of the last 3 months. Other than him learning how to cook and us spending time together (which in the teen years is a big plus), here are some of the other benefits I’ve been keeping track of: 

1. He learned how to slice an onion and red pepper well
   
   
2. He learned how to sharpen knives (and use knives safely)
   
   
3. He learned how to measure out and make rice
   
   
4. He's learned that he likes cooking
   
   
5. He picks the music so I get exposure to what music he's into
   
   
6. I get to ask my questions about his day,, and we get to talk and catch up on what's going on with him
   
   
7. He's learning how to clean as he goes
   
   
8. He learned not to pick the pot up without oven mitts
   
   
9. He’s gotten more interested in food and is more open to trying new foods

If you're parenting a teenager, give cooking with them a try. Set aside regular days each week when you and your teen can work together to plan and prepare a meal and make sure to have all the necessary ingredients on hand. Expect some initial resistance or complaints, but stick with it and encourage your teen to participate as much as they are comfortable with. 

Over time, they may become more engaged and even take the lead on cooking an extra meal or two on their own. Not only will this help to build their confidence and skills in the kitchen, but it can also provide valuable opportunities for communication and connection with you.

Finally, be flexible and open to the fact that plans can change. My teen and I have set loosely Monday and Tuesday but sometimes he wants to hang out with friends those days and we’ll cook Wednesday or Thursday, or even skip a day. It’s not important to have over-the-top discipline when it comes to getting him to follow through. The most important thing is that he’s on board and I’m not doing anything to make him dread or resent this time we spend together.