Validation: An Effective Way To Handle Arguments With Your Teen

[8:00 minutes to read]

No one knows your teen better than you, and a lot of the time, they know you very well too. This, in combination with the stark differences in how we look at things and process emotions, can end up in conflict that has us at each others’ throats.

And yes, it sucks. Nothing is more frustrating than getting into an argument where we know we’re right, but our teenager just won’t have it. We’ve tried to reason with them or give them consequences, we’ve asked fellow parents for advice, all to no avail.

It can be easy to overestimate our teens. We enter into conflicts from an adult’s perspective and expect that our teens can keep up. When they fail to do so, it’s easy to lose our temper and get aggravated. This ends up in yelling and screaming, and underlying hurt feelings. It’s at this point (when we lose control and take the bait) that discussions transform into arguments and fights, and we lose sight of any lesson that could have been learned. We start focusing on winning the argument. We want them to understand and agree with our point of view.

This article is focused on sharing a couple of powerful tools for you to implement the next time an argument ensues. These tactics, if properly deployed, can stop an argumentative teenager mid-sentence and leave them dumbfounded, waiting to hear where you’re going with all of this.

Unfortunately, in this stage of their development, it's appropriate for teens to push their boundaries, and push our buttons (they’re experts at that). If we want our teens to hear us though, we're shooting ourselves in the foot by arguing with them. We need to diffuse the argument before any type of constructive conversation is possible, no matter how hard it might be to resist engaging in a fight.

Why do teens argue? 

As we mentioned, teens arguing with their parents is completely appropriate. This happens because teens are only just coming into their own - they’re in the process of separating their identity from their parents and defining who they are. This means they’re programmed to go against whatever we suggest. It’s not easy or pleasant for us, but it’s completely normal and is a sign of healthy development (up to a point).

How can we stop teens from arguing?

We can’t! But we can get better at diffusing arguments when they happen so we can move on to more constructive conversations.

how do we do that?

The term for our favorite tactic to do this is 'validation'. It’s important to understand that validating our teens doesn’t necessarily mean ‘agreeing with' or even endorsing their point of view. Validating our teens has everything to do with the way we listen to and react to what our teens say. The idea is to listen in a way that actively lets them know that we hear what they're saying and accept that they’re saying it.

How does that diffuse arguments?

Let’s break it down:

We’re in a hypothetical argument with our 16-year-old. Let’s say it’s about whether or not they should spend actual money to buy fake Fortnight money. Our 16-year-old says, ‘You just don’t understand, mom!’. In saying that, they’re challenging our ability to engage in an intellectual argument about fake Fortnight money because we’re not players of the game, or embedded in the culture, or whatever. 

They’re expecting some kind of rebuttal, for us to try to demonstrate our understanding. But instead, we validate them, we say, ‘You think I don’t understand’. We can even follow that up by validating their emotoins, ‘And I can see that frustrates you, to be arguing with your parent who doesn’t understand your point of view. That’s got to be pretty lame for you.’ 

Our teen, who was expecting an argument is stopped in their tracks. We have instead, communicated that we understand their point of view and how they feel about it. We can choose to follow up on this in any number of ways. We could attempt to explain our point of view, we could ask a question to try to draw them into a more intellectual and less emotional discourse, or something else. But a pause in the argument has been created. We have interrupted the power struggle of trying to ‘win’ the argument.  

That’s an overly simplistic example of course, real arguments are messy. But the key point there is that we communicated to our teen that we understand their point of view and how they feel about it. If we can start by just practicing that, it will make our arguments much shorter and less combative. 

Some important aspects of validating our teens are: 

• Active and open listening - Intentionally sitting down, doing our best to suspend judgement, and really trying to hear what they have to say. We may not like what they say but to do this effectively, we need to refrain from jumping in all the time to share our opinions and points of view. This is hard to do, especially when our own opinion differs so much from theirs. 
  
  
• Getting comfortable with being uncomfortable - We need to be OK with, and leave room for, our teens being upset, emotional, or struggling. It’s hard to watch our kids when they’re in distress, but trying to ‘solve’ or ‘fix’ them can leave them feeling invalidated or not heard.
  
  
• Asking permission to share relevant anecdotes or advice - While we have loads more life experience than our teens, it’s important to remember that they exist within their own context and circumstances. In their eyes, our experiences aren’t necessarily transferable. That’s why it’s important to get the green light from them before interjecting with our own stories or points of view. For example, if our teen is sharing about how they are feeling overwhelmed by schoolwork, instead of just launching into what we do when we’re overwhelmed, instead ask, ‘Are you interested in hearing what I would do in your situation?’. They may say ‘no’, and that’s ok. 

Validation tactics that you can instantly apply to your arguments

• Mirroring is repeating back to a person what they said while making sure to also mirror their energy/tone of voice or keeping your energy/tone of voice neutral, and then checking to make sure your understanding was correct. This technique is innately validating, Consider an instance where your teen approaches you, frustrated about not being able to make time for socializing because of school work and says ‘I can’t make it out cause of this project’. You could mirror back to them by saying ‘You can’t make it out because of your project?’ (bonus points for mirroring their frustration). That instantly communicates to them that you’re on the same page and not an adversary. If instead you responded with, ‘Sure you can’ or ‘I told you you should have started working on it earlier’ that would likely set up an argument.
  
  
• Labeling is hearing our teen out and then offering a label to their emotional experience. We did this in the example above when we said to our teen, ‘And I can see that frustrates you …’. It’s still unclear why, but research has shown that simply expressing the emotions we’re feeling diffuses those emotions. If our teenager is angry at their workload for a certain subject at school. When our teen says ‘I’m really angry at how much work this teacher assigned’, they define their emotional experience with more clarity, and instantly ease that experience. We can do this as well by recognizing and defining our teen’s emotions. By doing this we ensure that they feel heard AND help them process their emotional experience.

So what does validation sound like in conversation?

Consider responding to your teen’s points with things like “That’s understandable”, “It’s ok to feel that way”, “I get it.”, or “I can see why that would make you feel …”.  

All in all, when teens feel like they’ve actually been heard by us, they will be less defensive and are less likely to try and push their ideas and emotions to the point of argument. Almost all arguments come from this one source - feeling misunderstood or overlooked. Teens are fighting for their independence and forming a personality outside of their parents, which can feel impossible sometimes - and cause some seriously over-the-top emotional responses.

When we as parents show that we see them as individuals with their own unique opinions and respect them for that (even if we might not agree with them), we give them the sense of self that they crave. At that point, you can establish that you're on the same side and move the conversation forward from there. 

Ultimately, even if it doesn’t feel that way, our teens and us are on the SAME TEAM. It’s getting this point across that makes all the difference when conflict arrises.

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