What to do When Your Teenager Just Isn’t Listening

Sometimes, talking to teenagers feels like talking to a wall. A snarky, angsty wall … that knows how to push your buttons and sometimes hurt your feelings.

We hear from a lot of parents that find themselves at a loss. They want to do all the right things, help motivate their teen, foster healthy habits, and have constructive conversations about substance use, but they feel like they can’t because their teen simply isn’t receptive to any of their overtures. This prompts them to ask, in no uncertain terms, “What the hell am I supposed to do when my teen just isn’t listening?!”

Healthy and open communication doesn’t just make our relationships with our teens better, it helps us help them; we have some hard-earned lessons to share! Plus, we like to actually be kept in the loop about what is going on with them. 

We want to know that our teens are safe and healthy. We also want to know that our teens feel safe coming to us with any serious issues they encounter. In short, we all want to figure out how to breathe life into dwindling communication while mimimizing eye-rolls from our teenagers.

Fortunately, there are some simple ways we can alter how we approach interactions with our teens that will encourage them to be more receptive to us.

These are not quick and easy fixes! 

These are tactics that we can implement that with time and repetition will reshape how our teens feel about interacting with us. But if you’re at your wit’s end and your teen just won’t listen, it’s probably time to take a step back, make some adjustments, and allow yourself some breathing room. 

BTW, these steps below are outlined in more detail in our Free Downloadable Guide: 5 Things You Can Start Doing Right Now That Will Encourage Your Teen to Confide in You

Let’s jump in!

1) BE OPEN TO THE VARIOUS WAYS YOUR TEEN WILL TRY TO CONNECT WITH YOU

To get our teens to want to interact with us, we have to make sure they see us as someone who will partner with them and be receptive to what they want to communicate. 

They’ll often reach out to us in ways that may seem off-hand, unimportant, or even juvenile. When they do this they’re also testing the waters of communication to see how we’ll respond. By being open to these interactions and interested in what our teen has to say, we’ll encourage them to reach out and share more in the future.

2) BE LIKE A POTTED PLANT (MAKE YOURSELF AVAILABLE IN UNOBTRUSIVE WAYS)

When toddlers learn to walk they’ll often toddle away from their parents, exploring their environment and ability to move on their own. Inevitably though, they’ll come toddling back to their parents and ‘check in’ to make sure their parents are still there.

Teens do something similar with communication, emotional connection, and availability. They need to test their limits and see how emotionally independent they can be, but they’ll inevitably come back to check in with us. 

It’s important for us to allow them the space to disconnect, but also let them know that we’re available and accessible to them when they need support.

3) BE A SOUNDING BOARD, NOT A PROBLEM SOLVER

Incredible as it may sound, teens will share actual details about their life with their parents now and then! Wow!

Parents want to be helpful, so often in these situations, we will default to ‘sharing our wisdom’, offering advice, or jumping in to try and help solve or ‘fix’ any problems our teen may have shared with us… Sadly, this tactic can often be counterproductive as it can turn them off and shut them down. 

Teens are driven to explore and exert their independence. One reason teens share with their parents is because it helps them process information. They want someone to bounce ideas off of; someone who will validate them and be a sounding board while they work through their ideas and issues they’re dealing with.

If we can be a person they feel safe bouncing ideas off of, they’ll be much more likely to want to talk to us.

4) BE AS NON-JUDGEMENTAL AS POSSIBLE

Teens explore and experiment with lots of different ideas, concepts, styles, art forms, opinions, and more. It goes without saying that the adults around them won’t understand a lot of what they’re into, and will probably even disapprove of many of their ideas, styles, and tastes.

However, teens are hypersensitive to judgment and disapproval from their parents. If they sense in any way that their parent will be critical, judgemental, or too controlling, they are going to resist opening themselves up. So when we listen to our teens we need to try, as much as possible, to keep our judgments to a minimum.

5) EXPRESS GENUINE CURIOSITY ABOUT THEIR INTERESTS AND OPINIONS

Everyone loves talking about themselves and what they’re into, and teens love it more than most. Teens might have spent the majority of their lives in the role of a student, but there is one thing that only they are the absolute expert on: themselves.

When we get curious about teens’ experiences, interests, and opinions, we give them the enjoyable opportunity to take on the role of an expert and share their expertise with us for a change!

Successfully managing a relationship with a teenager can be painstaking and feel unintuitive at times. You might even feel like things have gone too far to be fixed. The reality is that probably isn’t the case. Our teens want us around, they want to know what we think, and they want our approval; even if they would never admit it. 

If your teen isn’t listening to you it’s probably not because they don’t want to hear what you have to say. It’s much more likely that they don’t feel like you’re interested in what they have to say. If we can be more receptive to them and their opinions, they’ll be much more receptive to us. 

If you found this article helpful, we’ve got two other resources that dive deeper into this subject: 

Our Free Guide: 5 Things You Can Start Doing Right Now That Will Encourage Your Teen to Confide in You

Thanks for reading!